On friendships

I don't know exactly how to write this post.

I fear that it will just end up being a stream of consciousness.

However, this post has has been lingering in my head for quite a while. As much as I would like to push it aside, it is for my own sanity that I have chosen to write the smallest portion of this huge part of my life.

It is no secret that I have a hard time relating to people. I tend to automatically dislike people as soon as I meet them and then decide whether I like them or not after a few interactiosn. Even now, looking back, I have had very limited close friends. To narrow things down a bit more, I relate more with men than women; don't ask why because I don't even know.

Don't get me wrong. I've had plenty of women friends, even now, that I consider good friends of mine. And I have also had numerous people who I would even label under the 'best friends' category.

However, I always seem to give it more than the other person. There is nothing wrong with that, every person sees the relationship from a different angle and with different perspectives on how far it should go. My problem is that I ALWAYS seem to take it way more personal that my counterpart. And so, when I realize that our friendship is not as deep as a connection as I thought, I end up being hurt.

Friendships are one of the most important relationships I can even encounter. A friendship, to me, is the foundation of becoming comfortable as a person. I have to thank many of those friendships for making me the person that I am today.

Because of those friendships, I have become a stronger person. I have learned what love is, the definition of a true friend and to allow myself to be comfortable with who I am.

What I have encountered is a lot of hurt. Mostly from my part, for thinking that there was a deeper connection, understanding and love in our friendship.

So, what I have learned is that I really can't trust no one. Even those that I had deemed as close and personal friends have come to defy that title.  I can't trust no one because I don't know when that person is going to walk away. I can't trust no one because I don't know how much of my personal information is going out to the masses via that certain someone. I can't trust no one because I can't put myself through this every single time I think I have a meaningful friendship. I can't trust no one because there should never be a reason to fully trust someone.

What have I learned from this: There is a reason people keep certain things personal, just to themselves.

And that I have been messed up very many times for me to feel this way.